I’m constantly hungry these days. I eat until I feel sick. I’m tired. Tired, panicked, bordering on sad, a little lonely. I’m scared of succeeding as much as I am of failing this exam. All the change that will hinge of this success, and the successful entrance into the program. My inner yearnings are all childish right now. I want to be taken care of, read to, I want to have hands playing in my hair, I want to be entertained and to be coddled. I want someone to act like the very little that I’m doing compared to someone with a full course load is a “big” deal, because it feels big. It feels like so much more work than I’ve ever done for my education. If it didn’t come easy to me I didn’t do it. I don’t want to be that way anymore. I want to put time and effort into things and see the fruits of my effort and organization. I want to become a runner. I want to slip out of bed while my boyfriend’s warm body dozes and see things that I wouldn’t have seen, and go on little mini adventures all in the silence of my mind. I want to be the product of a regular meditation practice.
I want to keep laughing with my man. Lately, without any effort, i’ve been laughing more at home. He bugs me, we laugh about it. I act foolishly, we laugh about it. We make jokes, we laugh. I carry around this little packet of love that flutters and wriggles when ever I think about him. I’m even slowly getting out of my habit of assuming a huge fight means that we’re terribly wrong for each other and that we’re heading for heartbreak. Somehow it seems like just a fight, one that feels yucky, but that will pass. In that feeling, I’m able to hold my tongue a little bit longer.. never quite reaching that apocalypse level of anger that leaves us reaching to take our words back as they fall from our mouths. It’s really nice. I like it. I like him, more than I ever have before.
If I’m clear about what’s wrong, its just that I haven’t slept enough, and my system is overwhelmed. I have an immensely productive day, and I now need to let it be over. My restlessness is a funny bug though.