Currently I feel a biohazard level of anger-acid bubbling away in my tummy. It could also be this fourth cup of coffee, without any food or water. I woke up fighting mad, even though it’s a sunny Monday, with curtains up and coffee brewed. I woke up almost two hours later than I had wanted to, felt anti social, and lonely. S and I spent a pleasant day being fairly unpleasant to each other. He’s been sharp since he went back to work, which I can understand. I’ve been suppressing and exploding in equal measure and generally I’m just feeling toxic. My stress about money, the europe trip, his stress, my weight gain and my fucking application status have been suffocating. I refuse to talk about any of it, because I can’t seem to find a way to do that without being hurtful, or insensitive, or childish so I’m just here trying not to choke.
I had the most wonderful yoga practice yesterday. He was watching a show I don’t love, so I went to lay in bed, thinking I’d read, but that was just making me blue, so I asked myself how I could make myself happy, and got up, set up music, my yoga mat and a candle in my office and closed the door and it was bliss. Stretchy, grateful good times. I can be such a furious force for productivity and movement and change, but when I’m encountered with stuckness, mine or someone else’s, it totally breaks me down, I get worn down by the advice that isn’t wanted or listened to, i get down about my inability to fix it, and all the instability that causes. I hate the instability, I hate the negativity. I’m still a little girl in that my joy and calm are fickle and easily swept away, and I inevitably retreat in the face of that despair. So only alone do I find undisturbed calm, which is just as fragile, but less frequently washed away because I’m good at being alone, better at ignoring my own pain than that of someone I love.
I’m nurturing my own sadness right now, just as he nurtures his stress, and frustration. It’s a human thing to do, but it causes so much unhappiness. I’m not good at forgiving, or forgetting and I’m especially bad at letting things pass unnoticed.